I read a fair amount of psychology /self improvement literature and I’ve mentioned before how I consider myself a bit of a self help junkie. However there is a such thing as going overboard with it and a number of gurus and talking heads you’ll come across online are definetley capable of taking the idea of self improvement way too far.
My friend Rob calls it ‘the endless pursuit of tech’. The idea that becoming a better you is not only possible but hey… it should be easy. Tech refers to exactly the kind of stuff I love and the core ideas behind this blog. Think NLP, Tony Buzan, Lucid Dreaming, Meditation, all tools to change your consciousness, change your state, and eventually change your life conditions. Psychological devices that are designed to make the transition easy… like pressing send in your inbox.
Well in this post, I want to talk about something totally different than Tech… I want to talk about the opposite of tech. Good ole’ willpower.
Plain old fashion just doing it. I know it seems almost too simple to even write about.
Today at work I found myself engaging in an ancient piece of human communication technology called ‘talk radio’. Just one minute of talk radio commercials will hammer it into your head how much of a million dollar industry self improvement tech has really become. There’s an easy way to do everything now a days. There’s an easy way to loose weight, to become a millionaire, get out of debt, meet women. There is a special little gimmick around every corner that offers you the magic cure. Are there easier answers out there? or is this kind of marketing just creating the impression in alot of peoples minds that self improvement techniques are all bunk and the only people who succeed are those with success in their genes?
I’m afraid the answer, like many answers in life, is neither black or white. There is alot of great techniques out there, hopefully you’ve already read about some of them here on the site, but what about the no-technique approach? What if for some of us… the reliance on ideas and philosophies about HOW to “do it” is the very thing that keeps us from the simple doing of it.
Many people thinking having information is a good thing. having techniques means your equipped. You hear therapists and self help gurus of all shades saying things like ‘ you need to understand your problem clearly, you need to become aware of the situation, visualize success, change your modalities’ all great advice, for certain things and certian people. But here are strong cases that occur in real life, and often times having a knowledge of different change modalities like NLP or something will obscure the clarity of purpose a person has about reaching a goal, when they are waiting until they feel like it to make that next leap.
Over thinking can occur.
One of the important aspects of living the life of constant improvement is being able to push yourself to make an attempt even when you have a very slim chance of success.
You’re building the Do It habit.
The Do It habit is basically the simplest form of self improvement philosophy ever.
Most of us at some point or another do make a decision to do something different with our lives. Perhaps we’re a bit over weight, maybe we’re in debt, whatever it is… we decide one night and emphatically declare to ourselves that we are going to make a change now. How often do we make that first decision under the influence of strong emotions? How often do you wake up the next day to begin your new habit or your new pattern and find that the subsequent individual choices you have to make after the emotional honey moon wears off is part of the challenge?
Its easy to commit to quitting smoking when your aunt gets emphezema. But a week or two down the road when your work buddies are stepping outside to smoke, those neural pathways will light right back up. The emotional state that made your decision to quit so clear now seems hazy… and its not such a big deal if you don’t stick to it… or just have one… you can always start again tomorrow…
Discipline in certain circles has a muddied meaning it’s started to aquire alot of negative associations with it. There’s a growing idea that a person can only conquer a fear by getting over that fear mentally first. Or a person can achieve a goal only by visually believing that they can do it. The do it habit is way different in this respect.
Its about doing it even when you don’t think you can, and even when you don’t feel like it.
Out of the comfort zone and into the sky.
When you start on day one of any new goal or task its easy to get daunted thinking about all the decisions that your going to have to make a head of you. If your starting to hit the gym and get in better shape then you know its not just about making the initial decision to sign up, but making the decision every single day to put one foot in front of the other and go… whether you feel like it or not. You won’t get your perfect body in the first visit… but what you do get is a positive reference experience.
The more you see yourself doing what you want to be doing, the more you believe in your ability to do it. It never occurs to classically trained pianists from a very early age how amazing their skills are because they have no reference experience to what its like to NOT be good at playing piano.
Likewise many people who begin a new habit, or try to break an old reoccuring fear will have only negative reference experiences at first and its important to force yourself, against your own comfort, in order to achieve that first taste of success. Momentum is the key word here… like attracts like. But the only way to get out of a really serious funk is to stop perpetuating the idea that your failing… force yourself to take one step in the right direction every day. Eventually it will become so easy you won’t even need to think about it anymore… goals will accomplish themselves, all you need to do is prove you’re worthy of the challenges and just do it.
Related reading on the web:
Just Do It – another post with some tips for doing it. Remember the key is action without over-thinking though! Self Acceptance Vs. Self Growth – A great post by Steve Pavlina about the line between accepting yourself for who you are and pushing yourself to new levels of growth. Pushing yourself to the Limit – The story of a man who pushed himself physically and mentally to run his first triathlon with only 32 days of training.
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There’s a been a lot of talking, blogging, etc. recently about hacks and tweaks we can use to get more out of, and have more control over our time and our lives, but I think there’s something to be said for being out of control, sometimes. Not running a muck in the streets, but rather appreciating the times where we don’t have that much sought after control over our time and place.
One example I can think of would be just a week or so ago when I crossed the country to see the Florida side of my family. Flying there to meet them presented an opportunity to abandon the illusion of complete control. Once I began my journey I gave up my control over my time and place. I had made the choices that brought me to that improbable seat, blazing across the sky at a few hundred miles an hour.
But once in the sky I was completely at the will of circumstance. In reality happened much earlier. Upon entering the airport my rights were waved and my control was relinquished. Even earlier than that I was on the shuttle to the airport where my fate was largely dictated by the driver and even to some extent by the state of other drivers around and for miles ahead of us. My helplessness didn’t ever enter into my mind, I just read comfortably and enjoyed the fact I didn’t have to keep my eyes on the road or sky. Even waiting in the airport I felt free, sick of watching news, but I had no obligations, none I could fulfill anyway. I couldn’t really even get any work done.
Certain situations readily allow me to give up that control, and really relax. During my delightful trip I missed a connection and became waylaid in the Atlanta airport, what’s that old joke… “when you die, no matter if you’re going to heaven or hell you still have to go through the Atlanta airport.”, anyway, I had hours and hours to watch cable news and drink coffee before the next connecting flight. I saw a lot of people in a similar situation, some people seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was, others hated it. They paced, pestered the poor gate attendant, made phone calls to loved ones and acquaintances to lament and modify plans, and still got to where ever they were going at the same time the calmer passengers did. Maybe thay had more pressing plans, maybe they were on the run, but most likely they just really WANTED to get to their destination and hated the inconvenience, and loathed not being able to do anything about it.
Here’s a delay much worse than mine.
Relinquishing this power is illuminating, if not even enjoyable. Not enjoyable because I’m a masochist or because I like waiting in lobbies in strange cities, but rather it was an agreeable exercise in giving up control over my time and place to some extent. Being productive means allotting time for work, creativity, family, and yourself. That You time is time to be out of control, to do that responsibly we have to have the rest of our time managed to some extent. I talked about this a bit in “Externalize Your Mind”, being ‘on’ 24/7 is neither healthy nor a productive long term paradigm. There are many other times all though out our day when we don’t have complete self determination, at work, on the road, and if we are at our core uncomfortable with that fact, we are crippled in our efforts to enjoy and get the most out of life.
When to give in:
When things are automated. If the gears are running, ie. the wing are being de-iced or what have you, experts are on the job. Automation can also refer to when your plan is made, hatched, and you could sit, sweat and tweak it, or you can let it go. Another example is when you have that goal in your mind, the seeds have been planted, and all you can do is stay on course and watch what happens. Trust the actions and choices you have made to bring you to this point. You can evaluate them, but sweating over them is useless.
Traps:
The Illusions of Imprisonment – Sometimes we think we have no control when in reality we have willfully given up that power. If one hates their job or where they live and consider themselves “stuck”, they are usually free to go and improve their situation at will, but are to afraid to leave their self-constructed prison, unless it really is prision. The unincarcerated have alot of freedom to un-stick themselves.
This young man is a sad example of theimprisonment illusion, please excuse the harsh language at the end.
False Productivity: Distracting ourselves with the illusion of productivity by doing anything we think might have an effect instead of doing the things that matter. Sometimes when we have no control because we HAVE TO focus on one thing, and I am guilty of this, we do every little thing we can to excercise some control, like the passengers who berate the attendance when no one can get the plane moving any faster.
So when in life do we have any control at all? We have to make the decision to get out of bed. There is no easier way to do that then when we can being present in your moment and enjoying it. In one way or another we are all stuck in our moment and when can realize that every moment is equally important we can accept our time and place not as compulsory but rather the result of a string of conscious choices we have made and become ok with having made them.
Its clear to anyone who doesn’t live in a cave that there are many problems in the world right now. There’s children starving in countries gripped with war and conflict. There are incurable diseases, terrorist attacks, people losing jobs, and fat cats laughing all the way to the bank with their hard stolen money. There are so many people working on the ground level to deal with these kinds of things but as with all complicated problems, not only do we need to catch the water dripping from the leak… we need to patch the roof.
I was recently read a post by Jonathan Mead at Illuminated Mind about starting revolutions and it got me thinking… if I was to start a revolution what do I honestly care about enough to devote myself to it.
The idea of finding what your passionate about through the lens of what you would be willing to start a revolution for strikes me as a powerful tool for any person trying to find fulfillment in their life.
What in the world means so much to me, what am I so deeply committed to that I would be willing to wake up early every morning and go to bed late every night. What do I love so much that I would answer email, hand out fliers, spread information with all the passionate frenzy that makes up the life of a revolutionary?
There are so many injustices and things in the world that I feel passionate about, so many political situations, so many people suffering who I want to help but then I have to ask myself… Whats the most I can do for these people utilizing the skills I have and the things that I know I’ll be able to wake up and give 100 percent to for as long as it takes?
Sure, I could sign up and volunteer for an organization that moves food to the third world. I could even just go and volunteer for the local Food Not Bombs group in my town and feed the hungry here. These are great ideas, necessary ideas, but what about something a little more abstract. These kinds of activities are curative… what could I start a revolution in that was preventative.
I slept on it the other night, focusing on the question before I went to sleep, ‘what am I passionate about that I could devote my life to it?’ and some point in the next morning I had my answer.
The thing I care about the most, the very activity that lies at the root of all misunderstandings is the human race’s inability to pay attention. I want to start a Revolution in Attention.
Now I know that kind of answer might seem too simple for a lot of people. I don’t mean to imply that paying attention will cure all our ails but lets stop and think about what our lack of awareness about the world and the people around us has brought us to.
Daniel Goleman writes about a form of intelligence he calls ‘Emotional Intelligence’ as opposed to the more cerebral left brained sort of mind we usually associate with problem-solving and remembering information. What this means is that some people are better than others at processing data but might not be as developed in other areas like controlling and dealing with their emotions and the emotions of those around them.
Now I don’t want to fall off topic and get into exploring the specific ins and outs of Goleman’s philosophy which is already written about ad infinitum in other blog posts and articles all over the web. I only bring it up because I want to touch on the fact that I personally believe emotional intelligence is the outcome of practicing the simple act of paying attention.
While the role genetics plays can’t be left out, the amount of emotional awareness a person will have about herself and the people around her will be dramatically increased when she makes paying attention, rather than living in her own head, a priority.
When we stop to look around us, at the people, at the environment, at the technology… it’s impossible to not care. Its really even more than just mindfulness I’m talking about here. I’m talking about simple understanding in an intellectual sense too. Do you know the name of that person you pass in the hall at work every day? Do you know what’s two blocks south running parallel to the street you drive down every single day? How often do you just look around and explore… just for the hell of it?
This week, find some time to explore the things you already think your familiar with. Explore the people, places, things… just for the child-like enjoyment of knowing. Take a walk somewhere you haven’t been, maybe even start a conversation with a stranger you always ride the bus with because *gasp* it’s allowed and you might even end up having a great experience. Really start to pay attention, not only to your feelings and your own thoughts, but to the subtle expressions and cycles going on all around you.
That’s my revolution, which in a sense I’m already working on right now. Its a revolution that’s been going on for thousands of years really, maybe even more, ever since the first proto-human began living more in his own thoughts, fantasies, and fears than the rich green living world around him. Perhaps my revolution isn’t even a revolution at all in the usual sense. We aren’t taking to the streets, we aren’t marching with picket signs past the white house. My revolution doesn’t make much noise Its coming quieter than that. My revolution is about looking around you, looking inside of yourself and taking the time to notice what life is really like… then making the decision to act. Who knows… maybe you’ve passed the person who will change your life a thousand times already… but you’ve been too inside your own head to say ‘Hi.’
Time for a little update on my sleep suggestion experiments that I wrote about in my last post. The last few days have yieled some interesting findings in terms of the potential and the downsides of sleep suggestion. When I say downsides what I really mean is the accidental misuse of our pre-sleep time that leads to negative emotions and beliefs into the next day. Most people are suffering from this kind of negative influence at some point in their lives.
We’ve all had the experience of waking up in the morning and just feeling sort of down without knowing why. Maybe later on when your doing the laundry or some other random chore a dream pops into your head that you remember from the night before and your mood upon waking makes perfect sense. What about the dreams and unconscious emotions that occur during sleep which we don’t consciously remember the next day? That’s why its so important to understand this intermediate state and consciously direct it.
Friday night I went to sleep at the usual time for me and neglected to practice my positive sleep affirmations before dozing off. Instead my mind was reeling over what had happened that day at work and constantly replaying some of the negative feelings I was left with that afternoon. I eventually managed to fall asleep and loe and behold what sort of dreams did I have? dreams about my negative encounters at work.
So I learned a valuable lesson when it comes to the moment before sleep. We either use it, or we let it use us. There is no neutral pattern here. A person can learn to consciously clear their mind out of all thoughts but for those of us who don’t live in a monastery its important to make this white noise less nonsense and more useful.
The moments before sleep at night are ripe with potential to either change our preset beliefs in ourselves or to re-enforce them, which is what I’m afraid most people do.
How many people who complain of sleeplessness at night are thinking about all the awful parts of their day as they fade into the hypnagogic state at night? How many people who wake up unrested in the morning, even after seven or eight hours of sleep are just suffering from the after effects of bad dreams and a restless mind?
In short I’ve learned in the last few days that not using this crucial moment will lead to random negativity building up.
The experiments continue and I will definetely be updating more as I learn more about this process myself. There have already been some interesting stories and comments from everyone about their own experiences with auto suggestion and sleep which I will be getting around to putting online soon. A major hope for the blog here is that it will become something of an information hub where the comments can help spread your ideas to others. So thanks and look forward to part 3 here shortly.
-Chris
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Several years ago I worked as a canvasser for a local environmental group. Great work, it was essentially getting paid to walk around a strange neighborhood and talk to all sorts of people about county politics and pertinent issues. Some people were inviting and genuinely interested in the health of their local environment. Some people couldn’t care less and were very resentful of me and the fact that I had I brought these unhappy ideas to their doorstep. Some residents however, were completely ideologically opposed to the position of my organization and eager to tell me why. I have to admit it was from these interactions in particular that I derived the most enjoyment, and often frustration.
When the person behind the door was in disagreement it allowed me an opportunity to either, change their minds, offer possibly new and radical ideas to them, or to be argued down into utter defeat, and have to recover in the twenty or so steps to the next opportunity.
Part of the thrill was that I could never know what it would be when I rapped or rang, part of it was the chance to argue, sometimes heatedly, topics I felt passionately about. The arguments were heated but not angry, emotional but civil, they almost always ended with a sincere smile and handshake despite what philosophical distance remained. Winning one now and again was nice but there was certain thrill to the exchange of word, to the disagreement and to bringing it to an amiable conclusion. It’s exciting to get wrapped up in a debate. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, but some more than others.
“Argument is to me the air I breathe. Given any proposition, I cannot help believing the other side and defending it.” Gertrude Stein
There is ample literature, seminars and such available on Mindfulness Based Conflict Resolution, mostly geared toward businesses. Strangely, however upon reading a lot of it I found it lacking in useful advice for how to use it to win arguments, when possible. Here at Focused Awareness we emphasize physical and emotional awareness as one major benefit from mindfulness practice. During an argument both our physical stance and out emotional state can change dramatically, often impeding our ability to reason and thereby keeps us from constructing a logical, compelling, and persuasive argument. When we are conscious of these changes we can more often keep our heads in a verbal conflict and better understand why we are fighting in the first place.
In the many How to Win an Argument Lists available for web surfers a common piece of advice I would have to agree with is to speak slowly and calmly during an argument. Here the characteristically incomplete nature of internet information is displayed. Easy to say, but how is it really done?
Not many of us can slow our heart rate at will, but a little breathing might help.
First of all just notice yourself in the midst of a heated debate. Notice your shoulders and hands, you don’t need to force yourself to relax, many times we can’t. It’s much easier to just realize how you are standing. If you take a moment feel that your fingernails are digging into the palms of your hands you naturally will loosen your fists, which loosens your arms, shoulders, back, and diaphragm. The same is true for curled toes, locked knees and stiffened necks, all parts of a fighting stance that, if we can slacken, will ease the attached negative emotions. You can now breathe easier, your heart rate will go down, reason can reclaim your mind and you will better argue your point.
Notice the person you are having the argument with. Notice they are a person, not their viewpoint. Also notice their body position, are they leaning in, are their fists clenched or are they sitting with folded hands, listening. Pointing out their clenched, ready to pounce stance may allow them to relax as well. You can now find those mythical points of agreement and build toward resolution.
Unfortunately, it’s only advantageous to be the calmer one in a debate if the argument is rational. If your adversary is arguing based on solely on emotion, a rational case may not ever be persuasive. How then can we end an emotional argument, besides just yelling the loudest? Well, you can be more aware of your own emotions and not be the one on that more side. More so, being conscious of how we really feel and being honest to yourself and those around you will allow us to have the confrontation at the earliest possible point, before there need be screaming.
To debate a person whose argument is based entirely on emotion, your best option is to agree, emotionally, or bow out. Sincerely empathize with their emotions, internalize them, feel them yourself in order to understand the nature of the argument. When you are in agreement about the emotions involved the debate can proceed to facts. The squabble can even be avoided all together when it is found to be unnecessary or intractable.
You can’t win ‘em all. So true, yet so tough to swallow, especially when you know you are right, when you can feel it. What is that feeling though, where is it really situated in our body. At the pit of our stomach, in the glaring, shiny truth above our eyes, or is it doubt that spurs our passion. Is it ignorance and fear, no one is immune, you may be simply uniformed and have an opportunity to listen. Noticing where your self-assured mindset comes from will help you understand if this is a battle you can or even should win.
Humans deep down love to argue, and even if I’m wrong and they don’t, we still often find ourselves doing so at varying degrees of intensity, with loved ones, co-workers, and other people in our lives, strangers sometimes. Differences in opinion are unavoidable, healthy and necessary to further the growth of both our intellectual ideas and our overall emotional intelligence.
“It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle it without debate.” Joseph Joubert
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