When you think about yourself in the third person, you’re thinking about the way you appear to the people around you in your life. You’re thinking about the interpersonal image that you’re communicating to the world. The existentialist Jon Paul Sartre constantly reminds us that being a good human means taking responsibility for your actions.
When you behave in certain ways you’re taking on the responsibility to show the world how you think a person should behave in that context.
That’s why our image of ourselves we hold in our minds should be consistent with the kind of message we’re sending out to the world.
I’ve talked before about my love for affirmations and what they can do for your life. I’ve even experimented on myself with a number of different methods for developing effective affirmations, and it hasn’t all been easy. I’ve had a mixed bag of experiences while trying out things like positive self talk during the day while I work, practicing positive visualization while I fall asleep at night, things like that. I’ve had some positive effects and some negative effects but after going back over my own experiences and notes carefully, certain trends started to develop that made the difference between affirmations being effective and affirmations failing to make the desired change.
This key factor determines whether your self talk is going to be effective… and its truly simple.
Think about it… Focused-Awareness Blog has been rolling around the ideas required to align yourself with the kinds of things you want to accomplish and BE in your life. Everything is about where we place our attention and the kinds of thoughts we think. We practice seeing in our minds eye, visually, what we want to achieve. We verbally repeat the commands to ourselves that we want to ingrain deeply and start to live by. We take care of our body/minds to optimize as best we can our potential for awareness and more expansive self growth. But none of this will truly change you without one simple thing…
The assumption of change.
This idea goes by different names in different self development philosophies but the jist is simple… if you aren’t acting AS IF your visualizations and affirmations are true… YOU WON’T CHANGE!
I know this is shocking to alot of arm chair self development people who enjoy cracking open a good Tony Robbins book and indulging in a fantasy of actually getting off their ass and changing themselves but its true.
No amount of mental energy is going to cause you to change if you don’t walk out the front door and start occupying the frame of mind that you want to act from. Its that simple.
I was practicing a technique some people call Mirror Affirmations, which is really just the simple act of making solid eye contact with yourself in the mirror and repeating what it is you want to believe about yourself. Basically affirmations in the mirror, you get it.
I spend most morning doing my little routine which involves some meditation and grounding practice but I’ve been mixing in the whole mirror affirmation thing after I brush my teeth, before I head out the door. The results were suprising.
Growing up I had what you might call confidence issues, which if lefted unchecked I might still have to this day. So one of the important qualities I like to try and ingrain in myself in an unapologetic/confident attitude about who I am and what I want from this life.
Now all that is fine and I’ve made all sorts of progress but the real changes in my internal frame have come from this assumption of change that is so important.
If I do the mirror affirmations and walk out the door telling myself ‘Ok, I’m going to have a great day today, I’m walking tall, feeling good, grounded and mindful’ etc that might help me start to take actions in that direction, but I think for most people who practice affirmations they quickly find that its not just as easy as telling yourself the magic words and heading out there. You have to DO something about it.
When you practice a lot of affirmations yet walk around still acting and behaving the same way, what you’re really doing is draining your positive statements of their power.
Think about it…
If I tell myself all day long that I’m confident and assertive and I walk into work that day and fall right back into my old behaviors while still using these affirmations, I’m creating a negative association in my nervous system between SAYING I’m confident, and ACTING unconfident. I’m literally making my positive affirmations work against me.
This is why the assumption of change is so critical. For deep seated habits and belief patterns change isn’t always simple. Its not as easy as just performing some NLP move and WHAM you’re all better.
Thats why for me, I know that physically pushing myself into areas that make me confident is the first step and using the affirmations to change my internal frame comes second to the real world effort.
Thats what I’ve learned from using mirror affirmations. When I know that I’m going to push myself into encounters today that will make me grow as a human, then those affirmations and positive statements can be support beams helping me feel congruent with the way I’m acting.
So here’s a little challenge for the folks who have been keeping up.
Make a commitment to yourself to do one thing that pushes you into being the kind of you want to be. If you’re terrible at saving money, make a serious commitment to stop spending frivolously even if you can only manage to really commit to it one day. Maybe you’re shy and you make a commitment to meeting at least one new stranger a day for a week. Whatever it is, take a moment to really appreciate the importance of making this commitment to yourself and enduring whatever suffering it might cause you to break those old patterns.
Now that you know its something you’re really going to do whether you want to or not, you can start working on the part of you that ‘wants’ to do it. Now try those affirmations, visualize yourself from the outside being the kind of person you really know you are. Look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that your doing this no matter what so its time for your mind to jump on board.
The key to making the switch is behaving as if its already true. Remember the assumption of change and don’t wait to start being the person you aspire to be.
Thats when these tools work. No one is demanding perfection or an instant 100% change, all you really need to do is make that initial commitment, that you will DO something, then tech like affirmations and creative visualization really start to make the difference.
How do you see yourself every day? When you’re having a thoughtful moment and thinking about what you want to become in the future, how do you see yourself? do you spend time rehearsing in your head the kind of future you would like to see yourself in… or do you use most of that time to visualize all the negative things that could cause your plan to fail?
I’m guessing that for a lot of people unfortunately the second one is true. Many people have a tendency to focus the majority of their awareness on the possible bad outcomes of any kind of new endeavor. We have a built in theater in our own minds for the evolutionary purpose of seeing into the future and avoiding danger… so its no wonder that for many people thinking about the future has more to do with fear than it has to do with possibility.
We all see ourselves in third person from time to time. We imagine ourselves from the outside almost like a character in a movie, going through the slides from our favorite scenes. Its easy to imagine yourself at least for moments far off into the future where you’ve accomplished the kinds of things you only dreamed were possible. But the next day when you wake up that sense of where you wanted to be has faded into the cold reality that your present negative habits and fears of making changes right now override that desire to evolve.
For example take a habit change like wanting to get up earlier every morning… Your sitting there reading a post online about the many benefits of being an early riser and you’re seeing yourself in your minds eye, getting up, stretching your arms, well before the sun has come up with a smile on your face. You go to bed that night and you set your alarm for 5:00 am and doze right off to sleep. The next morning you wake up at five to the sound of your alarm and roll over almost instinctively and hit the snooze button falling right back asleep till your usual seven o’clock or nine o’clock or whatever rolls around. Merely having a clear visualization of what you would like to have accomplished in the future doesn’t necessarily give you the willpower or perspective to break free of the daily habitual patterns that stop you from making the first step.
Maybe you’re about to go into a big meeting where you need to make a good impression, you know just how bad you want to succeed at this yet all you can manage to think about as you go into the encounter is all the negative experiences you’ve had with meetings. Reminding yourself of all the things that can go wrong as if any of it can help you do what you need to in order to make the encounter go right. Your mind makes a habit out of its usual fear mongering and before you know it you’re blowing every opportunity because all you can visualize is how its going to fail.
I’ve been trying lately to take into account all the ways my mind uses my fears and past negative experiences to keep me stifled in a sense and inhibits me from taking risks and going after the things I really want. I’ve always had to deal with a mental habit I picked up early in life, where I tend to see the ways I could fail or make a fool out of myself easier than I can visualize how its going to look to succeed and really be the kind of Chris I want to be. The habit is anchored deeply in my unconscious as it is, but with enough positive reference experiences I’ve slowly began to push myself through those barriers and watch myself do things I previously didn’t think I would ever have the willpower to do. Taking charge of your negative thinking habit can be one of the most important first steps on the road to discovering what the limits of your actual potential really are.
So how do you break through this habit when it takes a little more than ‘just thinking positive’? We all know that we have dreams and aspirations but what is it that makes the negative images and possible failures habitually spring to mind and stifle our ability to change our ways? Its simple really…. the negative patterns are just habits themselves. My tendency to think negatively or cynically about the possibility of success begins to break down when I do two things:
1. Intentional Positive Visualization
This means sitting down every now and then and taking a few moments to actually visualize what it is that you really want to be or do. See it in full richness and color, exploring both the way your dream looks from the third person outside view and the first person account seeing what success will look like when seen through your own eyes. When you catch yourself engaging in those negative visualizations again, change their color and push them away in your minds eyes, intentionally bringing in the successful images you were visualizing before. Repeat this kind of visualization as often as negative thoughts occur, changing the color or sound of them, playing cheesy music the background, then pushing them farther away, drawing those full color images of success closer, training your mind to associate thinking negatively with the desire to shift into something more positive.
2. Visualized Steps
This is something optionally that I’ve found of great use when dealing with changing personal habits of all kinds whether they are just ingrained in the body or whether its a negative mental pattern that is engraved in my consciousness. We were talking a little earlier about how easy it is to visualize yourself successful in say five years time or something, but when you wake up tomorrow taking that first step in the face of all the negative habitual patterns you’ve built up daily can be nearly impossible. So my remedy for this kind of thing is to spend a little time after you have doing some intentional visualization to visualize clearly, in color, in third and first person, not just what success will look like for you in five years time, or what its going to look like when you’ve already succeeded but also what successful decisions you’ll be making just tomorrow when you wake up and start your day. See yourself making those first steps with the deep intention of creating new patterns and new habits for yourself and remind yourself how amazing its going to feel when all that discipline pays off. Make it a new goal to break down the big goals and single task on each one of those steps. Its not about making it all in one day, its about discovering the deep capacity for sustained change inside yourself when you give up those old belief patterns.
3. Follow Through
Like all the change technology we talk about on the blog, its only effective with the right attitude and follow through. No magic hat trick is by itself going to be sufficient enough to undue countless years of negative thinking… unless you yourself have made the clear decision to be done with it… and under no condition allow yourself to ever look back on those limiting beliefs…. you will never manage to accomplish the things you wish to achieve in the time you have. If you decide for yourself that you will accomplish your goals no matter what, and only use these ideas as far as they solidify your resolve on that path, you can’t go wrong.
Breaking down the entire process of visualization like this into both the practice of seeing your end goal, and visualizing the steps between here and there as individual goals in and of themselves to rehearse will give an added advantage to your visualization practice and help you start to see success right now…before it even happens.
I read a fair amount of psychology /self improvement literature and I’ve mentioned before how I consider myself a bit of a self help junkie. However there is a such thing as going overboard with it and a number of gurus and talking heads you’ll come across online are definetley capable of taking the idea of self improvement way too far.
My friend Rob calls it ‘the endless pursuit of tech’. The idea that becoming a better you is not only possible but hey… it should be easy. Tech refers to exactly the kind of stuff I love and the core ideas behind this blog. Think NLP, Tony Buzan, Lucid Dreaming, Meditation, all tools to change your consciousness, change your state, and eventually change your life conditions. Psychological devices that are designed to make the transition easy… like pressing send in your inbox.
Well in this post, I want to talk about something totally different than Tech… I want to talk about the opposite of tech. Good ole’ willpower.
Plain old fashion just doing it. I know it seems almost too simple to even write about.
Today at work I found myself engaging in an ancient piece of human communication technology called ‘talk radio’. Just one minute of talk radio commercials will hammer it into your head how much of a million dollar industry self improvement tech has really become. There’s an easy way to do everything now a days. There’s an easy way to loose weight, to become a millionaire, get out of debt, meet women. There is a special little gimmick around every corner that offers you the magic cure. Are there easier answers out there? or is this kind of marketing just creating the impression in alot of peoples minds that self improvement techniques are all bunk and the only people who succeed are those with success in their genes?
I’m afraid the answer, like many answers in life, is neither black or white. There is alot of great techniques out there, hopefully you’ve already read about some of them here on the site, but what about the no-technique approach? What if for some of us… the reliance on ideas and philosophies about HOW to “do it” is the very thing that keeps us from the simple doing of it.
Many people thinking having information is a good thing. having techniques means your equipped. You hear therapists and self help gurus of all shades saying things like ‘ you need to understand your problem clearly, you need to become aware of the situation, visualize success, change your modalities’ all great advice, for certain things and certian people. But here are strong cases that occur in real life, and often times having a knowledge of different change modalities like NLP or something will obscure the clarity of purpose a person has about reaching a goal, when they are waiting until they feel like it to make that next leap.
Over thinking can occur.
One of the important aspects of living the life of constant improvement is being able to push yourself to make an attempt even when you have a very slim chance of success.
You’re building the Do It habit.
The Do It habit is basically the simplest form of self improvement philosophy ever.
Most of us at some point or another do make a decision to do something different with our lives. Perhaps we’re a bit over weight, maybe we’re in debt, whatever it is… we decide one night and emphatically declare to ourselves that we are going to make a change now. How often do we make that first decision under the influence of strong emotions? How often do you wake up the next day to begin your new habit or your new pattern and find that the subsequent individual choices you have to make after the emotional honey moon wears off is part of the challenge?
Its easy to commit to quitting smoking when your aunt gets emphezema. But a week or two down the road when your work buddies are stepping outside to smoke, those neural pathways will light right back up. The emotional state that made your decision to quit so clear now seems hazy… and its not such a big deal if you don’t stick to it… or just have one… you can always start again tomorrow…
Discipline in certain circles has a muddied meaning it’s started to aquire alot of negative associations with it. There’s a growing idea that a person can only conquer a fear by getting over that fear mentally first. Or a person can achieve a goal only by visually believing that they can do it. The do it habit is way different in this respect.
Its about doing it even when you don’t think you can, and even when you don’t feel like it.
Out of the comfort zone and into the sky.
When you start on day one of any new goal or task its easy to get daunted thinking about all the decisions that your going to have to make a head of you. If your starting to hit the gym and get in better shape then you know its not just about making the initial decision to sign up, but making the decision every single day to put one foot in front of the other and go… whether you feel like it or not. You won’t get your perfect body in the first visit… but what you do get is a positive reference experience.
The more you see yourself doing what you want to be doing, the more you believe in your ability to do it. It never occurs to classically trained pianists from a very early age how amazing their skills are because they have no reference experience to what its like to NOT be good at playing piano.
Likewise many people who begin a new habit, or try to break an old reoccuring fear will have only negative reference experiences at first and its important to force yourself, against your own comfort, in order to achieve that first taste of success. Momentum is the key word here… like attracts like. But the only way to get out of a really serious funk is to stop perpetuating the idea that your failing… force yourself to take one step in the right direction every day. Eventually it will become so easy you won’t even need to think about it anymore… goals will accomplish themselves, all you need to do is prove you’re worthy of the challenges and just do it.
Related reading on the web:
Just Do It – another post with some tips for doing it. Remember the key is action without over-thinking though! Self Acceptance Vs. Self Growth – A great post by Steve Pavlina about the line between accepting yourself for who you are and pushing yourself to new levels of growth. Pushing yourself to the Limit – The story of a man who pushed himself physically and mentally to run his first triathlon with only 32 days of training.
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Its clear to anyone who doesn’t live in a cave that there are many problems in the world right now. There’s children starving in countries gripped with war and conflict. There are incurable diseases, terrorist attacks, people losing jobs, and fat cats laughing all the way to the bank with their hard stolen money. There are so many people working on the ground level to deal with these kinds of things but as with all complicated problems, not only do we need to catch the water dripping from the leak… we need to patch the roof.
I was recently read a post by Jonathan Mead at Illuminated Mind about starting revolutions and it got me thinking… if I was to start a revolution what do I honestly care about enough to devote myself to it.
The idea of finding what your passionate about through the lens of what you would be willing to start a revolution for strikes me as a powerful tool for any person trying to find fulfillment in their life.
What in the world means so much to me, what am I so deeply committed to that I would be willing to wake up early every morning and go to bed late every night. What do I love so much that I would answer email, hand out fliers, spread information with all the passionate frenzy that makes up the life of a revolutionary?
There are so many injustices and things in the world that I feel passionate about, so many political situations, so many people suffering who I want to help but then I have to ask myself… Whats the most I can do for these people utilizing the skills I have and the things that I know I’ll be able to wake up and give 100 percent to for as long as it takes?
Sure, I could sign up and volunteer for an organization that moves food to the third world. I could even just go and volunteer for the local Food Not Bombs group in my town and feed the hungry here. These are great ideas, necessary ideas, but what about something a little more abstract. These kinds of activities are curative… what could I start a revolution in that was preventative.
I slept on it the other night, focusing on the question before I went to sleep, ‘what am I passionate about that I could devote my life to it?’ and some point in the next morning I had my answer.
The thing I care about the most, the very activity that lies at the root of all misunderstandings is the human race’s inability to pay attention. I want to start a Revolution in Attention.
Now I know that kind of answer might seem too simple for a lot of people. I don’t mean to imply that paying attention will cure all our ails but lets stop and think about what our lack of awareness about the world and the people around us has brought us to.
Daniel Goleman writes about a form of intelligence he calls ‘Emotional Intelligence’ as opposed to the more cerebral left brained sort of mind we usually associate with problem-solving and remembering information. What this means is that some people are better than others at processing data but might not be as developed in other areas like controlling and dealing with their emotions and the emotions of those around them.
Now I don’t want to fall off topic and get into exploring the specific ins and outs of Goleman’s philosophy which is already written about ad infinitum in other blog posts and articles all over the web. I only bring it up because I want to touch on the fact that I personally believe emotional intelligence is the outcome of practicing the simple act of paying attention.
While the role genetics plays can’t be left out, the amount of emotional awareness a person will have about herself and the people around her will be dramatically increased when she makes paying attention, rather than living in her own head, a priority.
When we stop to look around us, at the people, at the environment, at the technology… it’s impossible to not care. Its really even more than just mindfulness I’m talking about here. I’m talking about simple understanding in an intellectual sense too. Do you know the name of that person you pass in the hall at work every day? Do you know what’s two blocks south running parallel to the street you drive down every single day? How often do you just look around and explore… just for the hell of it?
This week, find some time to explore the things you already think your familiar with. Explore the people, places, things… just for the child-like enjoyment of knowing. Take a walk somewhere you haven’t been, maybe even start a conversation with a stranger you always ride the bus with because *gasp* it’s allowed and you might even end up having a great experience. Really start to pay attention, not only to your feelings and your own thoughts, but to the subtle expressions and cycles going on all around you.
That’s my revolution, which in a sense I’m already working on right now. Its a revolution that’s been going on for thousands of years really, maybe even more, ever since the first proto-human began living more in his own thoughts, fantasies, and fears than the rich green living world around him. Perhaps my revolution isn’t even a revolution at all in the usual sense. We aren’t taking to the streets, we aren’t marching with picket signs past the white house. My revolution doesn’t make much noise Its coming quieter than that. My revolution is about looking around you, looking inside of yourself and taking the time to notice what life is really like… then making the decision to act. Who knows… maybe you’ve passed the person who will change your life a thousand times already… but you’ve been too inside your own head to say ‘Hi.’
At home, work, and everywhere throughout or live anchors exist that in part determine but are not wholly responsible for our inner states. Image yourself at home after work. In your mind walk through your door and notice the first objects that you associate with being in your space, calm, and relaxed. Image yourself at work, stressed out there are probably objects, people, or sounds you associate this with that help your body and mind know it is time to be anxious. In the same way one might go to a certain place in the home to meditate, we can place and strengthen anchors intentionally to assume the brain state we wish to achieve. We all do this automatically, mentally associating physical sensations or objects with inner states, it is empowering to take control of those anchor and use them to our advantage. In fact if we do not become aware of these anchors the negative association will continue to exist that will hamper our growth.
So many times when we set a goal, try to start a new routine, or attempt to change an unwanted habit, we fall short because of all the anchors that exist in our life and our environment. An example might be if part of your routine is to relax after work, catch your favorite crime drama, and bite your finger nails to the quick, it is going to be difficult to excise the negative nail biting habit while it is anchored to your unwinding time. Another example might be that pet project you canít ever find time for. You come home, tired from work and fall into the same routine of home life or start into your project but get distracted by our own personal life.
When I was younger and my friends and I had a scheme in the works, either some business idea or if one of us had their eye on a girl that was way out of their league, we would convene a serious meeting and hang a sign on the wall to designate this special strategy time. I would take a sharpie and a piece of scrap paper, write in big letters ëWAR ROOMí. Once the sign was up we all got into character, and the scheme or strategy was launched. Once we assumed the role of the General our sixteen year old selves rose the occasion.
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As much as our internal environment is and should be independent from the external it is clear that our external environment does have an effect on our inner state, the extent we are affected varies with the anchors that exist in our environment. We can use this tendency in our nature to our advantage by placing and strengthening positive anchors we come into contact with everyday.
When I embark on a new project I create a list of goals, a time table, or at least a rough sketch and in the time designated to work on this project I stick my goals to the wall above my work station at home, I donít have an office. Iíll also put up a calendar, not the same one in the kitchen but a ëworkí calendar, no birthdays or dentist appointments. When my side project is posted, I get into that mode, if my phone rings or I get tempted to surf You-Tube I see the room I have created for myself and realize Iím on the clock. I realize that Iím in character.
Now simply putting up a calendar isnít going to get you to your goals. To strengthen that anchor you have to own it. Put it up and really get into character, exaggerate it if necessary, make a commitment to yourself that when you are in your new space you will be ëon the clockí.
This can also be very liberating, when you ëclock outí and revert your office back into that same old dining room table you can allow yourself to be free of the anxiety that may be associated with your new project. The anchor will become more ingrained the more you use it, you more you are able to visualize yourself in that new space where ever it is, doing what you desire to be doing and associating it with the augmentation you have made.
Challenge: Make an Anchor: Find or make an object, quote or sign. Use your favorite relaxation technique, visualize your new space, see it as wholly different from its former form. See yourself in this place, in character.
Strengthen Your Anchor: Get into character, if you are writing a resume put on a tie over your Metallica t-shirt. If you are putting together a business get a green visor and roll your sleeves up, soon the act of arranging your space will put you into the desired mind set and the character will be you.
Clock in and Clock Out: The time you are not using the anchor is just as important, allow yourself to be free of your self imposed obligation when you are on your own time. Use that lack of anchor and have control over your own mental state.
Screw Your (future)self Over: If you know you are going to be worn out and will make any excuse to avoid what you really should be doing, put the anchor up before you leave for work. When you get home you will just be entering your office, ready to work and not resenting the time.
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