When you think about yourself in the third person, you’re thinking about the way you appear to the people around you in your life. You’re thinking about the interpersonal image that you’re communicating to the world. The existentialist Jon Paul Sartre constantly reminds us that being a good human means taking responsibility for your actions.
When you behave in certain ways you’re taking on the responsibility to show the world how you think a person should behave in that context.
That’s why our image of ourselves we hold in our minds should be consistent with the kind of message we’re sending out to the world.
I’ve talked before about my love for affirmations and what they can do for your life. I’ve even experimented on myself with a number of different methods for developing effective affirmations, and it hasn’t all been easy. I’ve had a mixed bag of experiences while trying out things like positive self talk during the day while I work, practicing positive visualization while I fall asleep at night, things like that. I’ve had some positive effects and some negative effects but after going back over my own experiences and notes carefully, certain trends started to develop that made the difference between affirmations being effective and affirmations failing to make the desired change.
This key factor determines whether your self talk is going to be effective… and its truly simple.
Think about it… Focused-Awareness Blog has been rolling around the ideas required to align yourself with the kinds of things you want to accomplish and BE in your life. Everything is about where we place our attention and the kinds of thoughts we think. We practice seeing in our minds eye, visually, what we want to achieve. We verbally repeat the commands to ourselves that we want to ingrain deeply and start to live by. We take care of our body/minds to optimize as best we can our potential for awareness and more expansive self growth. But none of this will truly change you without one simple thing…
The assumption of change.
This idea goes by different names in different self development philosophies but the jist is simple… if you aren’t acting AS IF your visualizations and affirmations are true… YOU WON’T CHANGE!
I know this is shocking to alot of arm chair self development people who enjoy cracking open a good Tony Robbins book and indulging in a fantasy of actually getting off their ass and changing themselves but its true.
No amount of mental energy is going to cause you to change if you don’t walk out the front door and start occupying the frame of mind that you want to act from. Its that simple.
I was practicing a technique some people call Mirror Affirmations, which is really just the simple act of making solid eye contact with yourself in the mirror and repeating what it is you want to believe about yourself. Basically affirmations in the mirror, you get it.
I spend most morning doing my little routine which involves some meditation and grounding practice but I’ve been mixing in the whole mirror affirmation thing after I brush my teeth, before I head out the door. The results were suprising.
Growing up I had what you might call confidence issues, which if lefted unchecked I might still have to this day. So one of the important qualities I like to try and ingrain in myself in an unapologetic/confident attitude about who I am and what I want from this life.
Now all that is fine and I’ve made all sorts of progress but the real changes in my internal frame have come from this assumption of change that is so important.
If I do the mirror affirmations and walk out the door telling myself ‘Ok, I’m going to have a great day today, I’m walking tall, feeling good, grounded and mindful’ etc that might help me start to take actions in that direction, but I think for most people who practice affirmations they quickly find that its not just as easy as telling yourself the magic words and heading out there. You have to DO something about it.
When you practice a lot of affirmations yet walk around still acting and behaving the same way, what you’re really doing is draining your positive statements of their power.
Think about it…
If I tell myself all day long that I’m confident and assertive and I walk into work that day and fall right back into my old behaviors while still using these affirmations, I’m creating a negative association in my nervous system between SAYING I’m confident, and ACTING unconfident. I’m literally making my positive affirmations work against me.
This is why the assumption of change is so critical. For deep seated habits and belief patterns change isn’t always simple. Its not as easy as just performing some NLP move and WHAM you’re all better.
Thats why for me, I know that physically pushing myself into areas that make me confident is the first step and using the affirmations to change my internal frame comes second to the real world effort.
Thats what I’ve learned from using mirror affirmations. When I know that I’m going to push myself into encounters today that will make me grow as a human, then those affirmations and positive statements can be support beams helping me feel congruent with the way I’m acting.
So here’s a little challenge for the folks who have been keeping up.
Make a commitment to yourself to do one thing that pushes you into being the kind of you want to be. If you’re terrible at saving money, make a serious commitment to stop spending frivolously even if you can only manage to really commit to it one day. Maybe you’re shy and you make a commitment to meeting at least one new stranger a day for a week. Whatever it is, take a moment to really appreciate the importance of making this commitment to yourself and enduring whatever suffering it might cause you to break those old patterns.
Now that you know its something you’re really going to do whether you want to or not, you can start working on the part of you that ‘wants’ to do it. Now try those affirmations, visualize yourself from the outside being the kind of person you really know you are. Look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that your doing this no matter what so its time for your mind to jump on board.
The key to making the switch is behaving as if its already true. Remember the assumption of change and don’t wait to start being the person you aspire to be.
Thats when these tools work. No one is demanding perfection or an instant 100% change, all you really need to do is make that initial commitment, that you will DO something, then tech like affirmations and creative visualization really start to make the difference.
A vital underpinning of society is a basic, agreed upon set of principles, the earliest known, of course, is Hammurabi’s code, brutal, succinct, and probably a seriously efficient tool to keep a relative degree of civil peace in ancient Babylon. We’ve all heard the age old eye trade adage. The consequences for adultery. What kept down the killing and cuckolding before that? And then from what long forgotten stone were those morals modeled? There must have been some understanding of right and wrong before any code was ever chiseled. Actions that were widely regarded as anti-social, and deeds that deserved retribution, would have been deemed amoral and unacceptable, based on their physical and emotional repercussions.
Hearing stories about our ultra-violent ancestors, the medieval massacres, the slaughter that accompanied the meetings of dissimilar cultures, the terrible things humans did to fellow humans, it’s easy to see why someone would inscribe a baseline code of conduct and consequence. Hammurabi was a king, and he may have been compelled by an inner sense of morality and ethics, or he may have simply wanted a means of regulating the murders and transgressions taking place in his kingdom that effected its political stability and their ancient economy.
I assert that many of the rules we have on the books today are, in a similar way, simply there to maintain social stability, ensure the momentum of our economy etc. This can be seen by the fact that many laws are either broken, disregarded or diluted, i.e. the rules don’t accurately reflect the morality of the populace.
This may be because the majority of humans are evil by nature, unable to govern themselves from within, and lacking in any concrete ethical standpoint. People might only be able to assimilate ethics when influenced by authority.
I reject that perspective. I have known too many intrinsically moral, altruistic, and loving people to believe this to be the case. Maybe it’s the circles I run in but I see humans as always having a strong set of morals, even if I don’t share them, and being wholly able to make ethical decisions based on reason, unless they are confronted by extraordinary circumstances. Situations like hunger, fear, and jealousy are common morality sweepers, cleansing our minds of that pesky code of conduct, allowing an otherwise compassionate being to engage in irrational and callous, sometimes violent, behavior.
It can’t be simply pressure from society that produces all the compassion and empathy that exists in the world. There is something in people that has a strong aversion to injustice, and immorality, and although our reaction might be highly emotional, these feelings are rooted in reason. Only logical thought arrives at a higher moral code. Only through intellectually understanding the conscious state of others can we realize the effects of our actions and build a code of ethics within ourselves. Everyone has the capacity to do so and only through institutionalized ignorance or indoctrination can our natural good nature be stifled.
It is important to realize this when we think of our own ideas of right and wrong. There is a reason I don’t kill those who I dislike, and it’s not because I fear jail. We all have our own reasons to be just and compassionate. Mine are a little different than yours, and yours are different from your neighbors. They may mesh well, overlap mostly, but the degrees and intensities will vary. The origins will be as diverse as creations stories around the globe. The experiences that mold and anneal our internal judges can come in any form, reach different conclusions, and double back to contradict itself.
Find that epic story in yourself, chiseling and grinding, smashing away the unusable pieces, wrestling with that amorphous intellectual blob. Building it into a colossal tower of convictions.
But first we need a foundation, and it poured in rational thought. Laws and rules are made to keep the peace and stability of a governed body and should never be confused with the intangible sense of right and wrong that exist in us all. Finding out the nature of your nature can only serve to strengthen your functional convictions and eliminate the lingering effects of the passive indoctrination we are all subject to living in a society.
The social code of conduct may not be flawed or unjust in the least, it is still of the utmost importance that we do not believe for a second that it is the root of our compassionate actions or the reason we refrain from evil acts. We know, deep down, what is right or wrong and will consult that knowledge before we think about what is acceptable to society. When we own our morals we can really believe them, live them, and when necessary have that knowledge and conviction to point out injustice when we see it in the word.
Its clear to anyone who doesn’t live in a cave that there are many problems in the world right now. There’s children starving in countries gripped with war and conflict. There are incurable diseases, terrorist attacks, people losing jobs, and fat cats laughing all the way to the bank with their hard stolen money. There are so many people working on the ground level to deal with these kinds of things but as with all complicated problems, not only do we need to catch the water dripping from the leak… we need to patch the roof.
I was recently read a post by Jonathan Mead at Illuminated Mind about starting revolutions and it got me thinking… if I was to start a revolution what do I honestly care about enough to devote myself to it.
The idea of finding what your passionate about through the lens of what you would be willing to start a revolution for strikes me as a powerful tool for any person trying to find fulfillment in their life.
What in the world means so much to me, what am I so deeply committed to that I would be willing to wake up early every morning and go to bed late every night. What do I love so much that I would answer email, hand out fliers, spread information with all the passionate frenzy that makes up the life of a revolutionary?
There are so many injustices and things in the world that I feel passionate about, so many political situations, so many people suffering who I want to help but then I have to ask myself… Whats the most I can do for these people utilizing the skills I have and the things that I know I’ll be able to wake up and give 100 percent to for as long as it takes?
Sure, I could sign up and volunteer for an organization that moves food to the third world. I could even just go and volunteer for the local Food Not Bombs group in my town and feed the hungry here. These are great ideas, necessary ideas, but what about something a little more abstract. These kinds of activities are curative… what could I start a revolution in that was preventative.
I slept on it the other night, focusing on the question before I went to sleep, ‘what am I passionate about that I could devote my life to it?’ and some point in the next morning I had my answer.
The thing I care about the most, the very activity that lies at the root of all misunderstandings is the human race’s inability to pay attention. I want to start a Revolution in Attention.
Now I know that kind of answer might seem too simple for a lot of people. I don’t mean to imply that paying attention will cure all our ails but lets stop and think about what our lack of awareness about the world and the people around us has brought us to.
Daniel Goleman writes about a form of intelligence he calls ‘Emotional Intelligence’ as opposed to the more cerebral left brained sort of mind we usually associate with problem-solving and remembering information. What this means is that some people are better than others at processing data but might not be as developed in other areas like controlling and dealing with their emotions and the emotions of those around them.
Now I don’t want to fall off topic and get into exploring the specific ins and outs of Goleman’s philosophy which is already written about ad infinitum in other blog posts and articles all over the web. I only bring it up because I want to touch on the fact that I personally believe emotional intelligence is the outcome of practicing the simple act of paying attention.
While the role genetics plays can’t be left out, the amount of emotional awareness a person will have about herself and the people around her will be dramatically increased when she makes paying attention, rather than living in her own head, a priority.
When we stop to look around us, at the people, at the environment, at the technology… it’s impossible to not care. Its really even more than just mindfulness I’m talking about here. I’m talking about simple understanding in an intellectual sense too. Do you know the name of that person you pass in the hall at work every day? Do you know what’s two blocks south running parallel to the street you drive down every single day? How often do you just look around and explore… just for the hell of it?
This week, find some time to explore the things you already think your familiar with. Explore the people, places, things… just for the child-like enjoyment of knowing. Take a walk somewhere you haven’t been, maybe even start a conversation with a stranger you always ride the bus with because *gasp* it’s allowed and you might even end up having a great experience. Really start to pay attention, not only to your feelings and your own thoughts, but to the subtle expressions and cycles going on all around you.
That’s my revolution, which in a sense I’m already working on right now. Its a revolution that’s been going on for thousands of years really, maybe even more, ever since the first proto-human began living more in his own thoughts, fantasies, and fears than the rich green living world around him. Perhaps my revolution isn’t even a revolution at all in the usual sense. We aren’t taking to the streets, we aren’t marching with picket signs past the white house. My revolution doesn’t make much noise Its coming quieter than that. My revolution is about looking around you, looking inside of yourself and taking the time to notice what life is really like… then making the decision to act. Who knows… maybe you’ve passed the person who will change your life a thousand times already… but you’ve been too inside your own head to say ‘Hi.’
Several years ago I worked as a canvasser for a local environmental group. Great work, it was essentially getting paid to walk around a strange neighborhood and talk to all sorts of people about county politics and pertinent issues. Some people were inviting and genuinely interested in the health of their local environment. Some people couldn’t care less and were very resentful of me and the fact that I had I brought these unhappy ideas to their doorstep. Some residents however, were completely ideologically opposed to the position of my organization and eager to tell me why. I have to admit it was from these interactions in particular that I derived the most enjoyment, and often frustration.
When the person behind the door was in disagreement it allowed me an opportunity to either, change their minds, offer possibly new and radical ideas to them, or to be argued down into utter defeat, and have to recover in the twenty or so steps to the next opportunity.
Part of the thrill was that I could never know what it would be when I rapped or rang, part of it was the chance to argue, sometimes heatedly, topics I felt passionately about. The arguments were heated but not angry, emotional but civil, they almost always ended with a sincere smile and handshake despite what philosophical distance remained. Winning one now and again was nice but there was certain thrill to the exchange of word, to the disagreement and to bringing it to an amiable conclusion. It’s exciting to get wrapped up in a debate. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, but some more than others.
“Argument is to me the air I breathe. Given any proposition, I cannot help believing the other side and defending it.” Gertrude Stein
There is ample literature, seminars and such available on Mindfulness Based Conflict Resolution, mostly geared toward businesses. Strangely, however upon reading a lot of it I found it lacking in useful advice for how to use it to win arguments, when possible. Here at Focused Awareness we emphasize physical and emotional awareness as one major benefit from mindfulness practice. During an argument both our physical stance and out emotional state can change dramatically, often impeding our ability to reason and thereby keeps us from constructing a logical, compelling, and persuasive argument. When we are conscious of these changes we can more often keep our heads in a verbal conflict and better understand why we are fighting in the first place.
In the many How to Win an Argument Lists available for web surfers a common piece of advice I would have to agree with is to speak slowly and calmly during an argument. Here the characteristically incomplete nature of internet information is displayed. Easy to say, but how is it really done?
Not many of us can slow our heart rate at will, but a little breathing might help.
First of all just notice yourself in the midst of a heated debate. Notice your shoulders and hands, you don’t need to force yourself to relax, many times we can’t. It’s much easier to just realize how you are standing. If you take a moment feel that your fingernails are digging into the palms of your hands you naturally will loosen your fists, which loosens your arms, shoulders, back, and diaphragm. The same is true for curled toes, locked knees and stiffened necks, all parts of a fighting stance that, if we can slacken, will ease the attached negative emotions. You can now breathe easier, your heart rate will go down, reason can reclaim your mind and you will better argue your point.
Notice the person you are having the argument with. Notice they are a person, not their viewpoint. Also notice their body position, are they leaning in, are their fists clenched or are they sitting with folded hands, listening. Pointing out their clenched, ready to pounce stance may allow them to relax as well. You can now find those mythical points of agreement and build toward resolution.
Unfortunately, it’s only advantageous to be the calmer one in a debate if the argument is rational. If your adversary is arguing based on solely on emotion, a rational case may not ever be persuasive. How then can we end an emotional argument, besides just yelling the loudest? Well, you can be more aware of your own emotions and not be the one on that more side. More so, being conscious of how we really feel and being honest to yourself and those around you will allow us to have the confrontation at the earliest possible point, before there need be screaming.
To debate a person whose argument is based entirely on emotion, your best option is to agree, emotionally, or bow out. Sincerely empathize with their emotions, internalize them, feel them yourself in order to understand the nature of the argument. When you are in agreement about the emotions involved the debate can proceed to facts. The squabble can even be avoided all together when it is found to be unnecessary or intractable.
You can’t win ‘em all. So true, yet so tough to swallow, especially when you know you are right, when you can feel it. What is that feeling though, where is it really situated in our body. At the pit of our stomach, in the glaring, shiny truth above our eyes, or is it doubt that spurs our passion. Is it ignorance and fear, no one is immune, you may be simply uniformed and have an opportunity to listen. Noticing where your self-assured mindset comes from will help you understand if this is a battle you can or even should win.
Humans deep down love to argue, and even if I’m wrong and they don’t, we still often find ourselves doing so at varying degrees of intensity, with loved ones, co-workers, and other people in our lives, strangers sometimes. Differences in opinion are unavoidable, healthy and necessary to further the growth of both our intellectual ideas and our overall emotional intelligence.
“It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle it without debate.” Joseph Joubert
“A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.”
Henry David Thoreau
Take a moment to imagine your own personal little ‘happy me’. Your own, one of a kind, internal representation of the success you’re striving for in life. Most of us have some idea of how we’re going to look once we’ve achieved some level of success in our life. Maybe you have one image, or a handful, take a second here to actually look at them objectively, or as objectively as possible.
When we imagine the stereotypical ‘happy me’ walking down the street, basking in the glory of our own joy… whats so different about that person in your imagination?
Does happy me have a stronger body? more hair?
Maybe you can’t see it in the picture but does happy me have a college PhD? or some kind of fancy new business title to be pleased about?
what is it about this happiness idol in your mind that differenciates them from you? and will that thing really make you happy?
Mindfulness and Happiness
How much of your own potential happiness that your experiencing RIGHT NOW goes unnoticed, while you unconsciously derive a little burst of motivation from imagining someone else your going to be in the future. We stoke little flames of delusion that keep us going and give us an excuse for our lack of presence right now. We have to do more than understand intellectually, we need to deeply realize for ourselves that the past is over, and the future can’t be dealt with in any meaningful way until it becomes the present.
What does it mean to do something consciously as opposed to unconsciously.
I think its important to always remember that mindfulness as a concept or idea is really just the base state of human satisfaction.
Think about, when your dwelling on something someone said, or something that might happen in the future, by the very nature of your actions your declaring that you aren’t interested or don’t want to be in this moment. Your investing your mental energy entirely in the future or the past and the present moment goes by in a sleepy, unintentional haze.
The times in every day human life when we are naturally focused on the present moment always goes hand in hand with the sensation of being deeply grateful or deeply satisfied. Seeing your children after a long day at work, the post coital glow of making love, the sense of absorption some of us feel when doing a job we love.
It only makes sense that learning to shut off your internal chatter would leave you in a non-comparing state of mind, which by its very nature must be a satisfied state of mind. Try to remember in the coming days the importance of staying in the moment and focusing on what is in front of you. Not just so you can bring your total energy and awareness to the task at hand, but also because letting go of the past and future means finding the joy that is already present in the now.
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